Huge waves of feeling this morning. The tide is rising. I sit and dissolve and integrate the energy from 5 till about 7.30 and then lie down and fall asleep again.
There are so many disparate ways to play on the net and there are multiple pieces of the puzzle to put together to resolve the maze of this technological communication system I am engaged in right now! Fan page and landing pages and websites and cameras and videos. Everything needs to be “translated” from one code to another, converted, “stepped down”, so the mind can “get it”.
I know I am experiencing with more frequent intensity the perceived gap between what I am and this current embodiment in matter.
All I want is to say … I know the way out of the mind maze. I am the solution. “I” is the way. This vast landscape of fragmented images is way too spread out. Keep your attention on the flow of light from this little spark, this original nuclear fusion of light and sound that heralds your entry onto the stage of life. This is the doorway!
I loved. I was love…I am love, expansion, breath. All I desired was to dance….ecstatic like Mirabai naked in the streets…. out of my mind, on fire with this flow of love. Jesus was the apparent object of my devotion, holding my attention fixed on the Real, as I realised my true identity, the one essential nature of all things.
I was brought up Catholic and was devoted to Jesus but there was inner knowing and koans to solve from the beginning. I discovered so much more than I found in the church! This was… is.. all my own being. I experienced all the myths and tales of humanity in every cell of my body. I have lived a life on the edge… befriended archetypes and stars… gave birth to the earth…my earth, went right through that vast heart of Christ…. opening into freefall into the universe… into everything.
I am She, who always was is and always will be
Sister of the stars and daughter of the endless Sun
Behold I lie in deepest space and call to the earth,
You are my beloved child.
This day I have given birth to you.
Once upon a time, at the beginning of time, before and beyond space time, the beginning of time in this body, I communicated all I am, all I know, all I wished to express …..in one single out breath. I breathed out and that was enough. I am still flowing that out breath.
Once upon a time, I entered the bubble of this never ending, never beginning, story, accepting at birth, the eyeless mask of structure looking everywhere in despair for that gaze to reflect me to myself. Flashes of spontaneous reconnection with, realisation of, my true nature from the earliest years of my life blew great cracks in this mind…holes in my mirror… till it became a leaky sieve, reflecting the no thing through the holes! Capable of holding nothing!
Disorientation ….. With a gap between story and reality … till the I steadied enough to find a consistent way to re establish a little functionality, merging with the new order of equivalency and freedom … The old order and allegiance to any strategy and outside authority faded… Like those words of the dying King…
And slowly answered Arthur from the barge:
” The old order changeth, yielding place to new,
And God fulfils Himself in many ways,
Lest one good custom should corrupt the world.”
Each one has to find his or her own way to traverse this ocean. To slip through those cracks.There is no external authority. It is all reflection. There is no other. We each captain our own vessel as we steer through the bardos of this illusion. And with grace we discover how to keep our inner eye focussed on our own pole star. Help comes by grace as we gaze with soft unfocussed baby eyes rooted in baby heart which sees right through the illusion.
Until I awoke, to dream in the awakened state, I would have night dreams. Dreams of being the Great Mother crawling round the mountain with bleeding knees for the sake of the people….then standing on the summit of the mountain with the stars streaming though empty eyes, the wind blowing through my long hair and arms and huge indigo cloak spread wide to embrace it all.
I did not always live in this world, but I have tasted it all and digested much. When this body was younger, I dreamt my beloved would bring me baskets of sweet ripe oranges warm from the sun, on fragrant green leaves damp with morning dew.
I walk along a path in a garden. A slim young man stands ahead of me to the left of the path. He is tall and pale and his name is Ovos. He holds a book out in front of him sensitive long fingers resting on the page, inviting me to read. It is a poem by Gustavo Adolfo Becquer.
Yo sé un himno gigante y extraño
que anuncia en la noche del alma una aurora,
y estas páginas son de este himno
cadencias que el aire dilata en la sombras.
Yo quisiera escribirlo, del hombre
domando el rebelde, mezquino idioma,
con palabras que fuesen a un tiempo
suspiros y risas, colores y notas.
Pero en vano es luchar; que no hay cifra
capaz de encerrarle, y apenas ¡oh hermosa!
si teniendo en mis manos las tuyas
pudiera, al oído, cantártelo a solas.
I have translated it as best I can. The sound and the feeling in Spanish are exquisite.
I know an anthem vast and strange
Which heralds a dawn in the night of the soul
And these pages are the measure of this hymn
Which the breeze scatters in the shade.
I would that I could write it,
Taming this poor unwieldy language of man
With words that would be at the same time
Sighs and smiles, colours and music.
But the attempt would be in vain, for there is no language
To contain it, unless, oh lovely one,
Holding your hands in mine,
I were able to sing it in your ear, for you alone.
To close this gap between what I love and what I experience in this little bodily life… to bring this love of the unstruck sound into form, to distinguish the REAL from the UNREAL, has been the deep inner impulse, the love of my whole life. I have come to rest… I experience the disconnects. I consciously embrace them allowing them to melt, letting my wounded heart open softly to enfold it all, now not just with my life and clients, but in this new internet game we are playing! The outpicturing of proliferating mind!
So the last shreds of couch grass in this garden dissolve. I sense it is soon time to write the story of my archetypal life, my waking dream. To tell how I became what I now embody and share my consciously lived fairytale!